Pins and Needles

You have us all on pins and needles, little lady! Every time I make a call to Grandma or daddy, it's "Is it time??" Everyone is waiting for "the call." And me? I am going C-R-A-Z-Y wondering "was that a contraction? Should I start timing?" and just praying for my water to break because it's what I know. I am soooo afraid of waiting too long and getting to the hospital too late to have my epidural. This momma does not need to experience "natural childbirth"- or pain. This momma loved her last delivery and hopes for another one to remember fondly. We are all soooooo excited to meet you, hold you, love you! But, we can wait. If we must. At least until Monday- when they are inducing me at 9am... if you decide to wait that long. Ya know, it's a beautiful Friday, and I am pretty much wrapped up at work, so if you want to come now, I am totally ok with that.... ;)

Love you lots and lots and lots!
love, mommy!

October 28!

October 28, sounds like a good day to be born, don't ya think???

We scheduled an induction for October 28 at 9am, if you haven't made your arrival yet. But please, don't for a minute think that that means that you have to wait until then. We are ready! I decided to do the induction for a couple of reasons, all perhaps a little selfish. The biggest reason is that I want your brother to be able to see you at the hospital before we go home. I want him to be able to visit us, and the hospital is closed to children after November 1 due to the cold season. We are all so excited to meet you! And you are getting so big and strong that I know that you are ready to meet us too. It seems crazy now to know that by October 29, I am going to have you in my arms. Sooooo excited!!!!

We are ready!!!

Well, almost. Really really close anyways. Today, you are 36 weeks and 3 days, so on Monday, you are officially "FULL TERM" at 37 weeks. And while it is only 2 weeks past what I did with Hudson, it feels like forever. It's silly, but everyone always said I was lucky to not have that last month of pregnancy because of how miserable you get. So much of that is true! I am huge. I am sore. Walking is a pain, bending is impossible. Getting up and down just plain sucks. But I am soooo going to miss feeling you wiggle inside me. Even when you kick my pelvis bone. I am going to miss catching my reflection and loving that belly. I am going to miss watching your brother talk to you in my belly. But we will feel you wiggle in our arms instead, and talk to you face to face, so it's exciting! I am so proud of you and I just know that you are strong. I am so excited to get my ideal birth with you. I ask only that you give me this weekend, let me get some last minute cleaning and organizing done. After Monday, you can come anytime you want. But, let me remind you, it would be best if you could make it close to a weekend so daddy doesn't have to take a lot of time off but can still stay with us... just a suggestion. And, if you're listening to this at all anyways, might I suggest sooner rather than later... if you're ready. Or at least before November 1- the hospital doesn't allow children after November 1 due to the cold season, and I know your brother is sooooo excited to see you. Again, just suggestions.

Your Grandma and Grandpa are ready too. They jump at every call from me- "is it baby time?!??" Your daddy woke up several times the other night because I was talking in my sleep and he kept thinking it was time.

My bag is packed and in my car. We have $1.00 in quarters ready for the toll bridge to the hospital, and we've driven the route to check it. We've toured the hospital and preregistered. Today, I contacted my HR department and started the process of FMLA and Short Term Disability so that I can stay home with you- I should have right around 12 weeks with you, maybe a little more with the holidays, maybe a little less depending on costs. Your bassinet is set up next to our bed, just needs a quick wipedown and sheet put on. Your carseat is buckled in and ready to bring you home. We've brought in some of the basic baby things. Most of your clothes are folded and put away in your new dresser, though I do have to get bins from Auntie Shelly still- you are going to be a well-dressed little lady! We have diapers and wipes and bibs and bath towels. We need to get out the bottles and breastpump eventually, but you can take right from the tap for a little while at least- at least that's what we are hoping for!

Anyways, little lady, we are so excited to meet you! We imagine your perfect little face, pinchable cheeks and precious little fingers. We cannot wait to bundle you up and love on you. Your big brother is ready to play. We are ready (almost!!)

Lots of love,
mommy~

35 Weeks!!!!

Well precious girl, we made it to 35 weeks!!! I am officially more pregnant right now than I ever have been. And I feel it, hehe! We had our 35 week check and he says that you have indeed dropped, but that is ok. He also said that I am dilated to a 1, but he wasn't concerned. You are weighing in at about 5 1/2 lbs and everything looks good. You even showed us your beautiful face!! You have the cutest cheeks!

Did you drop??

Yesterday morning at work, you were doing your usual dance routine high up in my belly, right under my boobs. But that afternoon, when I got up to go pee yet again, I felt a relief, like you weren't scrunched up like you always have been. You felt lower. I looked at my stomach and it seemed lower, more out in front of me. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe you just moved positions, but it seems like you have moved completely out of my chest and rib area. It feels like I can breath, and eat, again comfortably. But it worries me. Some things say that labor comes soon after the drop, some things say that it can be weeks yet. Today, I am feeling what might be contractions, but nothing too bad or too close together. Just a hardening of the tummy. Maybe it's just you wiggling and I am exaggerating. I just don't know. I am probably just paranoid because we are coming up on 34 weeks and 6 days, your brother's magic day. I am terrified that you are going to do the same. And yet I am so eager to meet you, and I know that you are strong. But I want you to be stronger. Healthier. Bigger. Please, baby girl, cook a little longer. I don't want to do NICU with you. I don't want to be apart from your brother that long. I want him to be able to see you and meet you. I want you to be perfect and healthy. Please baby girl, please.

mommy and daughter!

I am getting soooo excited to give birth to what will one day be my best friend! Obviously, until that day, we will have our moments where you will dislike me, disagree with me and maybe even (hopefully not!) hate me. Until that day, you will push your limits, try my temper and do what every girl does. But when that day comes, you will be amazed at how right I have always been. Because I always had your best interest at heart. I always wanted the best for you, and always always will. I will not be able to give you everything you want, but I will always give you everything you need. I will always be everything you need me to be for you. And you might hate me for it. But it's what a mommy does, and one day you will love and appreciate me for it. The same goes for your brother, but it's just different for a mommy and a daughter, and it is something I am excited that I get to experience.
Your grandma and I have always had a good relationship, and I hope so very much to have the same with you. But I will sacrifice a good relationship for your safety and security. If I have to be mean mom in order to keep you alive and well, I will do it without regret. Luckily, your grandma never did. We talked openly and honest about things. She trusted me, and I treasured that trust. Her punishments were fair and justly applied. I learned a lot from her, and I hope to teach you those same lessons. I hope to be even half the mommy my mommy was to be, and to teach you how to be twice as good as that, should you decide to one day be a mommy too. Grandma had a rocky relationship with her mom, and she vowed to always do better for her kids. And she did. Your Uncle AJ and I always took priority for her, we always knew we were loved and cared for. We never went without, and never needed more than we were given. We had experiences as well as materials that made a childhood worth remembering. She was a parent first, but always a friend as well. And now that I am grown, I appreciate everything she did for me, and still does for me and us. She truly is my best friend. I have a hard time going a day without talking to her and miss her when she's gone. Oh, Bentley, I want this for us. I want you to be my baby girl and my best friend. I want you to trust me, and want you to let me trust you. I want us to enjoy each other. I want to be pretty mommy, with my pretty daughter.

I love you, sweet girl. And even though I am excited to meet you, and even though I am getting things prepared, I want you to take your sweet time and come only when you are strong and healthy. I am still dreaming of my ideal birth and want it so badly.

Lots of love, precious girl, love, mommy!

32 weeks!

Well, precious girl, you are still perfect as ever. You even gave us a tiny peek at your perfect face! You are weighing about 3 1/2 lbs (while I am weighing 202... doesn't seem very fair!!) and measuring right about where you should be. I passed my glucose test last time and my blood pressure looks good. I have a few more weeks of progesterone shots, and then just a few more weeks til you are here in my arms! It amazes me how quickly time has gone! When we make it past September 30, you will have proven yourself more patient than Hudson. When we make it past October 14, you will have gone to term. So let's do it. October 14 is right around the corner anyways, and I am not in any true hurry- my excitement can last as long as you can!  I have to admit, though, that I am scared. Not that you will come too early- I truly believe you can hang in there (I believe it until my 2am potty runs, then I fear to high hell!) but that when it does happen, maybe I won't know! What if my water doesn't break?? Doctor said it probably wouldn't. What if I don't feel contractions until I am dialated to a 5 or 6 again?? Or, worse, what if I start feeling pain and contractions when I am merely at a 1? What if you really do take your sweet time?? Maybe you are a 42-weeker??!?? Maybe you are a 24-hour kinda gal?! Oh, baby girl, it really is scary. I've been through it before. I know I can do it again. And I know that once the epidural is in, all is well. But WHAT IF?!? Oh, well, can't think about that. Just gonna keep telling myself that you are coming at 38 weeks and it will be perfect. Yup. Just like you.

I love you darling girl!!!!

Pain in the Butt

Throughout this pregnancy we have joked about what a pain in the butt you are, little lady. My first trimester was full of yuckiness and nausea. You've always been a little princess who will NOT show us your pretty face. And then we literally started the shots in the butt. The Progesterone Shots that help prevent pre-term birth. Honestly, they aren't too terrible, just a little pinch and some itching afterwards, and sometimes not even that. The first few were painful and left me feeling bruised, but now it's just welt afterwards, and only when Grandma does it. When I can get up to the clinic and have them administer them, I am unscathed. This last week though, when Grandma did it, it welted up huge and itched for a long time afterwards, even getting little scratch scabs on it. So now I think I am going to just make sure I can get to the clinic for them. I want to make sure that the medicine is being let out properly and that they are working, more than the inconvenience of the side effects. But only 6 weeks left of them anyways! Only one vial refill left. It's kind of crazy to think that. But oh-so exciting too!!

Wiggles!

I love that you dance inside of me! I LOVE those wiggles. I cannot believe that in 10 short weeks, (or less!) you will be dancing for everyone to see. I am going to love every minute of your wiggles while I can 'cuz I am going to miss them when you are here. You like to tease me- you push out so that I can see and feel you from the outside, but as soon as I get someone else to come and see or feel you, you sink back into me and disappear. Our own little game of hide-and-seek. You're silly like that. As much as I want others to see and feel you too, it is kind of fun to have you all to myself. I love you little girl!

Deja Vu

August 19, 3 am- Deja Vu! Let me just tell you, little one, when you woke me up at 3 am to pee on your brother's birthday, I had the scariest Deja Vu moment. I was certain that if I got out of bed my water would break. I was terrified because I knew that it was much too early, even earlier than your brother's 5 week surprise arrival. I tried several times to just ignore the pressure, to roll over and go back to sleep. But you were quite adamant about resting on my bladder and making me wake up. I waddled to the bathroom, honest-to-God praying that nothing would happen. I nearly woke your daddy up, just in case. Then I have been having these pressure pains in my lower left pelvis area, and I started fretting that they might be contractions. Truthfully, I don't remember contractions- I barely felt them, and even then only when I was in active labor and very much aware that they were happening anyway. I let myself fret for a few minutes, then I made myself calm down. And finally, I went back to sleep.

Oh, sweet girl, as excited as I am for you to come home to me, I am also very much aware that you need your prep time. You prep all you need little lady! I am in no rush and would rather you were perfect and healthy than just here. Anyways, I need a little more nesting time. I am actually much more prepared this time around all ready, but I want to have your bed ready, your car seat cleaned, your clothes washed and neatly organized. I want you to come home to a home ready for you, I want your brother to have some preparation and not be surprised. I want daddy and I to be able to relax when you do arrive. So let's not Deja Vu anymore, ok? Other than the 6 hours of labor and delivery with no complications, and perhaps the early morning hours, let's do it completely different than we did with Hudson. Let's plan for after October 14 (my 37 week mark), closer to the first week of November (my due date); let's plan for it to happen while all grandparents are in town; let's plan for you to be placed directly into my arms; and let's plan for you to go home with us in the shortest amount of time possible. If we're being picky, let's also plan for it to happen on a Thursday or Friday... that gives daddy a few days with us before he goes back to work! ;)

I love you, darling girl, but I can wait to meet you.
Love, mommy!!

27 weeks!

Twenty-seven weeks along, little lady, and loving it! I love my bump! I love the wiggles! I love YOU! You are a little wiggle worm! I remember feeling Hudson and loving it, but I don't think he moved as much as you do. I remember his big movements, towards the end, but I don't think he had as many little movements as you do. I bet I feel you every hour or so- about the same frequency of my potty breaks! I wonder if you have hiccups? The website I check in with says "Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother her, so just relax and enjoy the tickle" so it very well could be what I am feeling. It's funny! The website is right about one thing for sure- I have an aching back and leg spasms. "Along with an aching back, for example, you may find that your leg muscles cramp up now and then. They're carrying extra weight, after all, and your expanding uterus is putting pressure on the veins that return blood from your legs to your heart as well as on the nerves leading from your trunk to your legs." It is getting harder and harder to bend over or pick things up. Including your sweet bubba, who has especially wanted his momma this week while he has been sick. It's hard- I want to enjoy all the snuggles and loves as much as he wants to give them, but it hurts to hold him for too long, and I know that I shouldn't be holding him too much.

I am thinking more and more about the reality of you. You as a baby, an actual little person that I get to hold and love and feed and care for. I am so excited to do it all again! Your brother is getting a toddler bed for his birthday next weekend from Grandma and Grandpa, so we will get it all set up and clear out the crib for you. Of course, you won't be using it for a few months even after you do arrive, but it will be nice to know that it is ready... a luxury we really didn't have with Hudson! I even cleared off the top of the cedar chest where we put the bassinet in our room, so now we just need to bring it in and get it set up for you. I have been thinking about the other things I need to dig up- the swing and bouncy seat and baby mat and breast pump. Eventually the bouncer and walker and gates and baby food maker. There is so much stuff to go with a baby! Luckily we have most of it. And more. 

Your sweet Grandma Weezie (your namesake for Louise) and our friend Maggie are hosting a baby shower for me. I really don't need much, but it is so kind of them to offer. And I suppose I do need some girly things- the bows and glittery whatnots! 

Anyways, baby girl, I am so excited to meet you and cannot believe that you will be here in about 2 1/2 months! Time to get going if I'm going to be ready before you arrive!!!

I love you precious girl! 

love, mommy

Little Dancer

Oh little girl, I love to feel you dancing around inside me! You are everywhere, from lower left belly to upper right belly, right by my ribs. I even saw you push my belly yesterday. You are so strong and so full of energy. It makes sense- you are sucking it all right out of me. I am needing naps everyday. I am exhausted! But it's all worth it to know that you can wiggle so happily inside me. I am so excited for the day that daddy will feel you. Every time I think he can, you stop. But that's ok- It's kind of fun to have secret mommy-daughter feelings right now. I hope that you and I can always be as close as my mommy and I are. I strive to be as good of a mommy as she is, and I think I do a pretty good job. But now she's setting some awesome standards for grandma.

Little Lady, it's funny how I will stop thinking about you for a little while only to be amazed each time I remember that I get to do this all over again- and with a baby girl at that! Sometimes I feel sad that this is my last chance to feel this and do this. I really do love pregnancy. I love the wiggles. I love the bump. I love seeing my shadow or reflection. I love the stretching, the aching, the exhaustion. Because I know what it all means. I love when daddy grabs me around the hips and embraces my belly. I love when he talks to you or about you. I love that Hudson blows bubbles on my belly and seems to be talking and teasing you already.

I have been letting myself dream about that "perfect" birth again. Oh, how I want that! A perfectly healthy, beautiful baby girl emerges after a calm delivery and is quickly handed to me, nestled onto my chest. Not rushed out of the room, not hidden away for an hour, not separated and cared for by others for 11 days. Mine. Healthy. Strong. Striving. We spend a day or two in the hospital, but you are always next to me, if not on me. You are hungry right away and take right to nursing. Your daddy and brother are able to love on you and help me. Your cry is strong and wakes me every three hours in the night- instead of the annoying hospital phone jarring me awake, making me fear the worst. I don't even have time to wander the hospital or get to know the nurses- before anyone works another shift, we are sent happily home. I don't need to cry every day because I know you are well, and if those silly post-natal hormones attack, I can hold you anytime I want to, I am not limited to visiting hours and care shifts. Friends and family visit and are able to love on you without me fretting or feeling like my time with you is being taken. Oh, is it too much to dream?? Is it unfair of me to expect this, to want it so badly?

I love you, little dancer, perfect or not-so-perfect as you may be, you are most certainly loved- always and forever.

love, mommy!

Getting used to the idea

I am letting myself get used to the idea that I am going to have a DAUGHTER. A sweet, precious little girl. Or maybe a vivacious little sass. Either way, I am getting so excited! And then I start thinking about how soon you will be here! The due date is November 6, but I would not be at all surprised if you came right before Halloween... that is soooo soon! I need to start preparing! How are you (or rather, how is your stuff) going to fit into our little home??! We need to rearrange Hudson's room. Find a place for the blankets. See if we can add a dresser for you. And add another bed or crib! Then there's all the stuff we will need to bring inside for you- the swing, playmats, bouncy chair, toys and feeding stuff! Ohmygoodness!! I let myself buy some baby girl clothes finally, plus I have a box from Lacey and Oaklee and bins coming from Aunt Shelly. You are going to have a full wardrobe, just like your brother. But where are we gonna put it?!? Oh, but I can't let myself get caught up in all this worrying. I just need to DO it. As I learned with Hudson, it all works out. And it is all worth it. I love you little lady! ~mommy

one little dressy

I said I wasn't going to buy a lot of girly clothes until the doctor verified it, but I just could not pass up this darling dress. My little sailor. Love it!

Definitely a GIRL, perhaps even a princess?

My precious Bentley Louise! We had our "targeted" ultrasound today where they do the 3D view and measure everything. As usual, you are perfect. You are measuring at 22 weeks and 6 days, due on November 8- My calculations show that you are 23 weeks and 3 days, due on November 4, so you are right on track. But you are still bashful! You absolutely refused to show us that darling face of yours, shooing us away with your hands. Silly girl. We know that you are beautiful and are in no hurry to see you, you just take your sweet time precious girl and grow strong. Just know that mommy and daddy love you and are so excited to meet you! And mommy is thrilled now to have your sex verified... it's the ultimate "Go-Ahead" for me to start stocking your little wardrobe! Beautiful, Bashful Bentley, you are loved!

love, mommy

Little reminders that I am not alone

"I am not Alone"

Running errands and talking on the phone,
I am pleasantly reminded that I am not alone.
Little tiny hands, a precious rounded knee
pushing and twisting that no one can see.
Oh sweet child kicking up your heels,
it is our little secret that only I can feel.
I look forward to your birth,
when I can kiss your skin,
but for now I will just smile,
As I feel you play within.
Author: Unknown

More and more now I am feeling your little wiggles, and loving every minute of it! Daddy and I had a date night the other day to see an old friend perform in a local play. I had a great time and was high on love for that daddy of yours. There was music and dancing and lots of laughter. I was feeling nostalgic. I don't know what you liked best about the night, but I could feel you dancing right along inside me. It was amazing. I can't wait til daddy can feel these wiggles, I love when we would snuggle and he would just embrace my belly with Hudson.

There are other, not so pleasant reminders that I am not alone though too. I still feel yucky somedays, just moments of a nasty taste in my mouth or queasiness in my belly. I will start to eat my lunch or dinner and suddenly realize that it's not what I wanted- or rather, what you want. You do not like meat much. Poultry is ok, and you crave grilled hamburgers but other beef or pork just sounds chewy and disgusting. You like veggies like salads, carrots and asparagus. You also like cookies... well, I'm blaming you anyways. I get that yucky feeling in my mouth when doing nasty chores like washing old dishes or cleaning out the fridge at work. We haven't had any other overwhelming smells, thank goodness, but that may just be because it's allergy season.

Last week, my back started hurting and it really hasn't stopped since. It fades away for awhile, but if I get up quick or without thinking about it, it aches.

At about the same time as my back pain, I started the official pregnant waddle. I don't exactly know why, maybe it distributes my weight differently or something, but I've just noticed that it's not a regular walk. Daddy's noticed too and is teasing me.

I am noticing that it is getting harder for me to rest on my belly at bedtime and know that my days are limited. Ugh. I remember all too well how hard this was. Side-sleeping is fine, except that an arm or hand always falls asleep and tingles, and sometimes I feel like I am going to tip right over. Back-sleeping is just tough. But it's all worth it. That is something else I know all too well.

Ultrasounds 15 and 19 weeks

15 weeks- It's a .....Girl, probably?

15 weeks- a bashful girl, maybe?

19 weeks- It's a... Girl, still, maybe? No pointy-outies, anyways...

19 weeks- still a bit bashful, needs her beauty rest!

Thursday!! And the "normal birthing experience"

Our next doctor's appt is Thursday, and I am sooo excited!! I am pretty sure it is our big 3D appt, plus, depending entirely on your positioning, little one, they should be able to confirm your sex! We all know you're a girl, and, based on the one really good ultrasound pic, we think you have lots of dark hair and a beautiful face, but it would be nice to have the doctor's confirmation. I haven't been able to convince myself to start dreaming of a daughter or to start buying precious little outfits. Yet. Well, except for one cute little 3-piece patriotic set that I bought this weekend at the swap meet- a dress, diaper cover and hat. But there are always tons and tons and tons of baby girl stuff at yard sales and swap meets and I just can't commit to buying stuff yet. But give me the word, doc, and I will stock up on all kinds of goodies!! But not pink. Ugh. Daddy and I aren't ready to pinkify ourselves. I love red and black. I love yellow, teal and greens. But pink and purple is a bit much. I want you to be darling, but not look like a doll. I am sure I will be suckered into the pretty bows, but I have to vow right now that they will not be bigger than your head.

Oh, my goodness, it's so fun to think about though! My precious little girl, all dolled up! I have been thinking of our first family pictures. With Hudson, we did gray-red-black outfits, and I think I want to do the same with you. I've also started worrying about pictures- everyone says you never take as many pictures of your subsequent kids, but totally overload on baby #1. With Hudson, we went to Sears every month. But they are closed now, and I don't want to search studios and individual photographers are expensive. But we will figure something out, dangit. Absolutely. You are just as important to us as Hudson is, you're firsts are just as exciting, and we will document your life just like we have his.

Another thing I just thought about today is a normal birthing experience. You are my last chance at that ideal birth, where baby comes out and is gently placed on momma's chest and bonding begins. To hold you right after you leave my body is a dream of mine. To be able to cuddle you and offer you breast milk within minutes of your first breath. Wow. To be one of the firsts to actually see you, hold you, feel you. To sit in my hospital bed with you and daddy and Hudson right there with me. To wake up to your newborn cries rather than the ringing of the hospital phone. To take you home just days after your birth. The normal birthing experience, oh how I want that!!

While we were in NICU with Hudson, daddy and I watched one couple come in every day to tend to their very premature baby. He was so tiny, and had obviously been there for so long. He was connected to every machine possible and we would hear scary beeps from his monitors all day long. One day, I got to talk to the mom of this baby and learned that he shared a due date with Hudson- September 24- but had been born June 21. I felt an instant connection with them. On our last day at the hospital, I ran a final errand to pick up a small gift for this couple- a tiny pair of socks because all I could envision were the tiny footprints posted in little Alston's NICU corner. I left it with the NICU nurses, along with a card wishing them the best of luck. That mom, Kim, found me on Facebook that night and sent a sweet thank you and congratulations note. We have been FB buddies since. She is pregnant now too, just 22 weeks, due October 12. But she is in the hospital now, on permanent strict bedrest because she is leaking fluid and having various complications. Oh, sweet baby of mine, I cry for this family because I cannot imagine their pain and worry.

All I want is a normal birthing experience. And I feel like I have a good chance at that. We are doing the progesterone shots and everything we can to keep you bundled up in there for 37 weeks. I fully expect you to be here by Halloween, but even that is 39 weeks. But I feel confident that you will be perfect and healthy. I think, and hope and pray, that you will be hungry and take quickly to breastfeeding. I don't know why, but I truly am confident that you will not have the troubles your brother did. Oh, how I pray my feelings are right.

Stay strong baby Bentley. Grow. Develop. And know that you are loved.

love, mommy!

You're a GIRL!!!

Well... 85% sure of it anyways. You were in a weird position, upside down and backwards, so we didn't get a good look at anything but your spine, but what we saw indicates that you are a precious little girl. I thought so. We all did, with as different as you have been from your brother. We are so excited to meet you, little lady! Ms. Bentley Beck. Yes, I do like the sound of that. Daddy and I are pretty sure we have a middle name picked out- Louise, after your Grandma Weezie. Bentley Louise Beck. Yup. That'd work. 

Daddy is a little nervous to have a little girl, honestly. He's afraid our house is going to be littered in pink and dolls and ruffles. Silly daddy. I told him that little girls can play with cars and dinosaurs. I am just waiting to see what his first "girly" purchase will be. I hope you are a daddy's girl right from the start. We need a daddy-clinger, with your bubba being such a momma's boy. Of course, if you choose me as a favorite too, I certainly wouldn't mind. I love my babies and am sooooo thrilled to be your momma!!

I love you, love,
mommy!

Still waiting!

Oh my goodness, has the clock moved at all?!?

I forgot to mention that I felt you flutter last night. I've felt you before, just the tiniest of flitters, and once your wildly beating heart, but last night was beautiful. I felt so peaceful with you, so together. It was like you were reassuring me for today so that I wouldn't be worried like I was last time. You just wanted your mama to know you were there, didn't you? Just wanted me to know that you know how excited I am and how much I love you. Thanks baby M!

Love you,
love, mommy!

Boy or Girl?!?

Oh my goodness, baby M, I am just going crazy waiting for my appointment today! Please, baby baby, don't be shy today. Please, litte one, give us a glimpse, let us start our preparations! We want to know- are you a baby Lincoln or a baby Bentley?!? I promise I will not be the least bit disappointed either way. I just want to know! It's a proven fact that daddy and I make beautiful, perfect little boys, so one more certainly cannot hurt. Or, give us a chance to prove our excellence in baby girls too. Either way, I am just soooo excited that I get to do this again!! I am feeling SOOOOOOO much better lately. I feel pretty, I feel happy, I feel glow-y. I love when your brother climbs up on me and says "baby!" and drums on my belly. I swear he is already starting in on sibling rivalry, jumping all over you and pounding on you. But I also know that he is going to love you soooo much and take such good care of you. Oh, baby M, I love you so much already!!

Love, mommy!

Well, that was weird...

I woke up early this morning. I did the dishes, put in some wash and even scrubbed the couch a little. I curled my hair, did my makeup and even felt good about how I looked. I thought to myself- "Ah. I have arrived, I have hit my pregnancy glow." I was happy.

The rest of the morning was normal. Dropped Hudson off to Grandma's. Wished Grandma a Happy Birthday. Made lunch plans with Grandma. Went to work. Bored at work. Same old, same old.

Until just now. I went into one of the small interview rooms to play on the computer for a bit before I meet Grandma and Hudson. And I smelled something. A cologne-y, perfume-y smell. Nothing especially appealing or disgusting. But it stuck with me. And as I walked to my desk, I felt it. I knew it was going to happen. I knew I couldn't stop it. I puked. Luckily, I had a garbage can. But I puked. A LOT. And now I am fine. And intend to enjoy my lunch with Grandma... hopefully.

Please, baby, do not push anything else up, k? I do NOT want to do that again. Yuck.

Love you,
love, mommy!

Week 14- second trimester!

Sweet Maserati, we've made it 1/3 of the way there! It's funny, sometimes it seems like I forget you're there, but in all actuality, I cannot STOP thinking about you. It's surreal. I am so blessed to be able to do this again. I (hopefully!) get to find out if you are a Lincoln (boy) or a Bentley (girl) next Wednesday. It cannot come soon enough!! I want to hear your strong heartbeat and see your beautiful little face again. Everyone who sees the picture from our last appt. was so amazed at how clear it was, how darling you are. They think you look like a little "toddler" just curled up in a carseat. They also think you have lots of dark hair. I don't know, but what I do know is that you are precious and perfect and LOVED. Stay strong, little one, grow healthy, little one, and know that you are adored already.

Love, mommy!

13 weeks

Well little one, at 13 weeks, we have almost made it through the first trimester. At 13 weeks, you are 100% a beautiful little individual, fingerprints and all. If you are a baby girl, (and I think you are) you already have all of your eggs. At 13 weeks, this momma is feeling pretty good - physically.

But my emotions are kind of wild. I am freaking out about money, luckily, your sweet daddy is calming down about it. He's a good guy, that daddy of yours. He's afraid of having a baby girl, but I just know he would be the best daughter-daddy. And while we really don't favor one or the other, I truly do think you are a girl. It would explain a lot about how different I feel with this pregnancy. The couple of weeks of terrible "blah-ness" and nausea, and the fact that I am already almost 20 pounds over what I was pre-Hudson. (I don't know exactly where I was between Hudson and you, at least 10-15 lbs less than I am now...) I hate getting dressed in the morning because I am too fat for my regular clothes, but not fat enough for the maternity stuff I have. And I don't feel beautiful. Honestly, I remember feeling gorgeous everyday with Hudson, "glowy." It was the feeling most pregnant ladies envy and feel jealous of- enjoying my new curves, feeling feminine and amazing. I think you are a girl- we girls always worry about what we look like, and you are sure making me feel fat and sloppy. Guess we'll have to work on that together, huh? 'Cuz baby girl or baby boy, I never want you to beat yourself up over how you look and/or feel about how you look. You are beautiful- PERFECT. And I am too. I am a pinup mama. I need a good day of pampering and pretty-ness to remind myself of this I think. Sometimes we just need to do these things for ourselves. Remember that, k?

Anyways, I love you, my perfectly beautiful and unique baby Maserati,
love, Mommy!

Guess what?

You are perfect. I know... you're not surprised. Neither am I, just reassured. I don't know why I had any doubt. I've learned my lesson though- I will never doubt your pure perfectness ever again. After all, you are mine & daddy's- how could you be anything less than perfect?! You are measuring right where you should be at 12 weeks. You're little heart beat is strong and beautiful and still the most amazing sound for this momma's ears.

Look how cute you are!

You're silly grandma and grandpa Perkins say you look like a little toddler curled up in a car seat. They also say you have a cute little Beatle's hair cut. I can kind of see what they are talking about. We all know that you are beautiful and we are so excited to meet you this fall!!

I love you baby Maserati!!!

~mommy!

12 weeks and Tomorrow!

I get to see you tomorrow!! More importantly, I get to hear your wonderful little heartbeat! I must have forgotten how scary this first trimester is, especially after knowing what it's like to feel baby movements in the later half. I want to feel you so badly. I hate not knowing for certain that you're little heart is beating, little legs are kicking.

I love when daddy cuddles me and softly kisses my belly and talks to you. We are teaching Hudson to say "baby" and point to my belly. He's really good at saying "baby", but he usually points to himself. A couple weeks ago though, he pointed to Grandma's tummy. And this week, when daddy was watching TV, he went right up to him, pointed to his belly and said loudly "baby!" Oy, somedays I wish daddy could carry you.

You are already so different than your brother. I hate to say it, kiddo, but you are already a pain in the ass, literally. My lower back gets these nasty aches. Daddy laughs at me 'cuz I walk around with a warm water pack wrapped in my waistband. I'm pretty much over the nausea, but food is still weird- I'm always hungry, but nothing really sounds good.

I am at the weird stage where I am not yet fitting into maternity clothes, but am out of my regular clothes. I wear the maternity clothes because they are more comfy, but I can't wait for my bump to truly harden so the empire waists fit flatteringly. I also can't wait for my firm pregnancy boobs. Honestly, I am just feeling BLAH in the looks department, which is hard for me because I am also feeling friskier than normal, but not sexy. I want to own my pregnancy body. I want to lavish the curves and pure femininity that can only come with creating life.

It truly is a magical experience, and because this is (almost certainly) my last time to experience it, I want it to start NOW. It's sad to think about you being my last. I truly want to remember and capture and love every moment. I want others to enjoy it with me, but it's harder because, to them, it's not "special" because I've done it before. They don't understand that the last time is just as special, if not more so, than the first time. I feel more alone in this pregnancy, other than your daddy, of course. I don't have girlfriends to talk to. Non-mommas don't understand, and seemingly have no interest, and mommas are so busy with their own little ones or get so caught up in the nostalgia of their own past pregnancies that it's hard to talk to them. I am very emotional, but pretty good at hiding it. Almost daily, I am brought nearly to tears, whether from a song, a commercial or my own thoughts and worries.There is definitely a good cry just waiting to be had, which is actually not a bad thing- my life is changing, feelings, even overwhelming ones, are to be expected. I am postponing my career once again, creating fears that it will never happen for me. I am starting a new degree program, just to keep busy and take advantage of the opportunities I have. I have lost friends, gained new ones. I am going from dedicating my whole life to your brother to having to share that with you. Your daddy and I's relationship is always changing and growing. It's a lot of change, most of it for the better, and all of it worth it.

Anyways, I really didn't expect to write this much, I guess the loneliness I am feeling is coming out a little more than I intended, as I spill it out all here in writing. What this post was supposed to say was simply that I cannot wait to see you tomorrow and have confirmation that you are growing and perfect. Because I know that you are. I love you little Maserati!!

~mommy

Burger Baby

Your brother was my pizza baby, and you, little one, are my burger baby. It's not necessarily a craving, but when nothing else sounds good, a hamburger will do it. And lemonade is my pregnancy drink.

Another Craving

What I want:

Spaghetti. Nothin' fancy, just spaghetti.

What I got:

Noodles & Co. Penne Rosa with parmesan chicken. It worked.

Shocking!

At just 9 weeks in-utero, you, little one, are so full of energy that you are shocking your momma! Literally. I didn't have these electric shocks with Hudson at all, but twice now, when laying down and making a sudden movement, my stomach, upper left area, has given me a jolt. It seriously feels like wattage surging that one spot. It's quick, but it is incredibly uncomfortable and scary. The first time, I literally screamed, scaring your daddy. I then lay there, waiting for the worst. Which, in my mind is awful and vivid. I imagine instead of the warm sensation of my water breaking, the warm sensation of blood gushing out of me, indicating a miscarriage. It was terrifying. When I looked it up online though, these shocks are completely normal. They are the ligaments of my stomach stretching to make room for you to grow. They are called round ligament pains.

I don't know why, but I am seriously terrified something is going to go wrong this go-round. I am afraid of connecting with you like I did Hudson, because I fear never meeting you. I suppose I had the same worries with Hudson, I suppose all mommy's do, but it is haunting me right now. Especially when you do weird things like these scary shocks!

This pregnancy is so different than my first. It makes me both excited and scared. If you are this different all ready, how different will you be in life? Are you the exact opposite of my perfect boy?? Are you a little girl? Are you a shy, timid little thing? Will you be cautious and reserved? Or, perhaps, naughty and hard to redirect?? Are you unhealthy? Will you be my non-sleeper, picky-eater who leaves me doubting my abilities??  Or are you simply stronger already? Growing so much, so soon, so you can quickly catch up to your big brother? Oh, how I hope the latter is true. Grow strong, little one. Grow into your own individual, but grow strong and healthy. I love you,

Love, Mommy!

9 weeks

The morning sickness seems to be gone, probably because of my daily B6 vitamin. Headaches aren't as common either, thank goodness. Really, I don't seem to have any real symptoms any more, except fatigue.

I am happy. Daddy is happy. We are both frisky. And we are both scared out of our minds! Your cute brother is saying "baby" more often now, and pointing to either himself or anyone else's belly... still hasn't caught on that it's just my belly. He has been especially cuddly lately, which I love, but it also concerns me 'cuz sometimes his "cuddles" are more like climbs and kicks all over playgym mommy. Sorry if you are already getting beaten by your bubba... guess you gotta toughen up eventually, huh?

I try to take a few minutes every day just to embrace you and let you know you are loved. I love my growing belly (even if it's sooner than I expected) and love when your daddy comes up and embraces you too. I hope you feel us, little one.

love, mommy!

8 weeks bump/pooch

I've said it before, I am already rounding out. I always have a pooch, thanks to your brother, but this "bump" goes all the way to the boobens.

Ultrasound 7 and 8 weeks

It doesn't look like much, perhaps, but that's you! That darling little dot. And that graph? That's your perfect and beautiful heartbeat! At 7 weeks, it was 113/bpm, which was perfect. At 8 weeks, it is 160/bpm, which is perfect. It is such a lovely, reassuring sound to this mama's ears! We met our baby doctor today, Dr. Wesley Davis at Circle of Life Women's Center. He seems really nice and like someone who can help us through this just fine. I was nervous 'cuz Hudson's delivery doctor moved to Washington just after he was born. He was fabulous. I am happy I found someone else at the same center though because I am happy with the facilities and with their methods. They give us a DVD that we take to each appt. to have the ultrasounds recorded onto. It is nice that you will have one just like your brother! 

Eight Weeks!

I know things are going to be harder, and a lot of the pictures we will take of you will have your brother too, but I really want to try to take as many pictures and videos of you as I do as your brother. I'm kind of ridiculous about it... but I think a lot of first-time mommies are, but then they stop or forget for one reason or another. I am truly going to do my best to keep everything I've done for Hudson going for both of you- monthly books, lots of pictures, monthly roll of quarters, etc. There will be some differences, just beware. For one, Your bubba's journal started out as a written one, so he will have that in addition to the blog. I have since realized how hard it is to hand write! Sorry, kiddo. I still love you though. Also, with Hudson, we did monthly pictures at Sears for the first year. Sears photo has changed and we aren't impressed, so we will see what we can do to even that out some. Otherwise, we will do our own at-home versions, along with our every 3-months by Ashleigh that we've been doing. You are every bit as important as your brother and every first for you will mean the world to me. If I ever forget to show it or say it, please know that it is still true!!

love, mommy!

Telling the Grandparents!

So, on Friday night, I was ready to tell Grandma and Grandpa Perkins. Daddy and I went over there to visit and watch movies, and halfway through the night, we "remembered" the pictures out in the car. I ran out to get them and we gave both Grandma and Grandpa a set of the following picture collages. 

Grandpa looked at the first one and didn't realize there were two under it, so he said, "Neat!" and then tossed them aside. Daddy told him there were more under it, so he picked them back up. Meanwhile, Grandma is looking through them, oohing and ahhing at your adorable brother. Grandpa gets to the baseball one and gets it right away- "No way!" and we wait for Grandma. As she goes to put them down, we say "did you see the baseball one? Take another look..." and she does, and she just about loses it- "Are you pregnant??!" They were thrilled, of course!! Hugs and kisses followed and lots of "gosh, I can't think of anything else!" It went perfectly. A picture really is worth a thousand words... even if you have to write some words on it too. Look how happy we are! Aren't you thrilled to join this fun family?!? 

It didn't go quite as nicely with Grandpa Beck. Saturday morning, we went yard saling with him, then to an Easter Egg hunt. I was feeling rotten all morning long. You, little one, like to make me feel sick. Yuck. Anyways, during the prize collection after the hunt, your not-so-tactful Grandpa said to me "Saw a lot of crack out there today, yup. And it was all yours." as he roughly patted me on the back. Ugh. First of all- WHY? Why say a damn thing?? I was wearing a long shirt and coat, not much else I could have done about it. It happens to the best of us. Don't like it, don't look!! I was just annoyed, especially after another insensitive thing he said just last week. And combined with the patting that made me want to puke all over the people in front of me, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him to stop it and that a lot of what he's been saying had been getting on my nerves. I wasn't exactly nice about it. He stomped off pouting. The drive home was miserable. He was mad at me, I was mad at him and Daddy is just the ever-peace-keeper. I motioned to Daddy that we had to tell Grandpa. Unfortunately, we had left the pictures at Gma and Gpa's house, so we had to quickly stop by there, as much as all of us wanted out of that tension-filled car. When we gave him the pictures, we had to explain it again- but Grandpa said "well, I asked you last week..." Exactly!! That was the other thing I was upset about- YOU DO NOT ASK!!! I felt like he had taken my surprise away. Plus, it's simply insensitive. NEVER, EVER ask a lady if she is pregnant, unless, perhaps, you can see the head emerging. Anyways, I think it will all blow over in due time and I know he is thrilled to get to be a Grandpa again. Mommy's just a little overly sensitive right now, and Grandpa's never been too subtle. It will be a funny story, one day!

Saturday night, we told Grandma Weezie and Grandpa Bob. We did the same thing- let the pictures tell the story. Again, they needed prodding to go back to the baseball one, haha. But once they got it, it was priceless! Grandma Weezie is so excited to have another little one to love and spoil... except we DO NOT call it spoil, just a lot of love! And that you are, little one, that you are, already!

Sibling Bond

One side effect of pregnancy I suffer from is extreme emotions. I am a freaking cry baby! I went to the library today to get some books about being a brother for Hudson and ended up crying right there on the floor! I worry so much about how he is going to take the change. I know he will be the best brother, but I worry about what I am taking away from him by adding a baby- the time, the attention. Then I read these sweet books about all the fun siblings have and think back to my own childhood with Uncle AJ and find myself bawling. It really is a special bond that siblings have. I hope you and Hudson find that connection early on and hold onto it.

You will be the best of friends. Yes, you will fight. Probably a lot. Yes, you will resent each other. Yes, you will be jealous of each other. Yes, you will have days where you know Hudson is the favorite, just like he will have days that he knows you are the favorite. But even through it all, you will always have each others backs. You will always stick up for each other. You will share lifelong secrets. You will probably have a secret language that only the two of you will understand. You will find ways to drive me and daddy crazy. You will team up against me and daddy, and you might even win. You will share friends, you will fight over friends. Same with toys. But in the end, you will always share that bond and it will always be stronger than anything else. I am so excited to be able to give this to you, baby M!

love you,
~mommy

Photo Opp!

You are perfect with a strong heart beat! You are measuring in exactly where you should be. I think I mentioned before that today would be week 8, but apparently my math is off and it is week 7, but you are still due on November 4. Your little heartbeat is one of my favorite sounds, second only to your brother's sweet laugh. It was so exciting to see you and hear you! Your heart beat was strong, 113 beats per minute.

Can't wait to see you today!

Today is our first ultrasound, just an hour and 22 minutes from right now! And... you are still a secret!! Grandma and Grandpa Perkins and Grandpa Bob and none of our close friends know yet! But, I don't think I can hold onto it much longer. I am feeling different with you than I did with your bubba Hudson. I feel nauseous and headache-y. And fat. I am pretty sure I am already gaining and rounding out. And really, really tired.

I also had my first craving last night- French onion soup! Weird. Daddy is such a sweetheart, that at 8:30 pm, with a sleeping baby, he was willing to pick up and go to Tepanyaki. But we didn't. Instead, I ran to the store while he stayed home with Hudson and made some at home. It did the job. Still a weird craving, since Tepanyaki is the only place I eat it at, and we go to Tepanyaki so rarely because it is so expensive.

I love you baby Maserati and am so excited to see you today! Keep growing strong, even if it makes me weaker!

~mommy

Your daddy is silly

Daddy and I were laying in bed the other night talking about you. I told him that you were getting ears this week, because that is part of week 6 development and he says, "Oh, did you special order them?" I don't know what it was about that silly comment, but I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was just a fun moment between daddy and me.

I feel pregnant today. And I love it! I have had to get up about a dozen times to pee. My usual pooch seems more bump-like today, though that's probably in my head. I feel beautiful. I love being pregnant. I am good at it. But I am even better at being a mommy. I am so excited to prove it to you!!

love you, love, mommy!

I am not a good secret keeper---

But I really am trying! Daddy and I decided that it would be fun to hold off until at least the ultrasound next Monday, but even better if we could wait another week and play a fun "April Fool's" joke. But... your Grandpa Beck knows. I seriously do not know how, but yesterday, he completely accosted me- "You have something you want to tell me, I see it in your eyes." WHAT?!? Daddy and I tried to play it off, but it seriously annoys me.
First of all, with our fertility troubles, I have learned how truly insensitive it is to prod someone about having babies. You don't know the story- maybe they don't want one; maybe they are struggling to have one; maybe they've actually lost one. It's none of your business. When we were trying our first time, I remember 2 specific examples that were just painful and I will never forget them. I suppose it is ok to tell someone they would be a great mom or dad, but it is never ok to ask them why they aren't or when they will.
Second, now, when we do announce, he's going to be all haughty and "I told you so..." Ugh.
Third, What if we truly weren't?!? I doubt this would just go away. What if we had decided to keep Hudson an only child?
Fourth, is he suggesting I look pregnant??? Fatty, fat, fat?? How rude!!! Why would you suggest such a thing to a person???
Oh, I am just so very bothered by it. He is supposed to babysit Hudson next week, and if he mentions it again, I am just going to tell him straight up how insensitive he is and how it's none of his business. I know he is just excited to be a grandpa and loves it and wants another shot at it, ("maybe with a girl?"), but it bugs me. Oh well. Just gotta remember that my own parents, your Grandma and Grandpa Perkins, were/are just as bad... I guess it just doesn't seem as intrusive because they are mine. The way Grandpa Beck approached  me and not your daddy just annoyed me, I guess. And the fact that I so want to tell everyone, but now I feel a stubbornness not to.

Guess we're all just excited to meet you....

love, mommy~

5 weeks

Some pregnancy symptoms I seem to be having:

• Peeing a lot, go figure
• Warmer body temp than normal
• Heightened sense of smell
• Emotional- so happy, scared, excited, etc, but every feeling leaves me on the verge of tears

Daddy and I have each told a few people at work and outside our normal circle of friends. It's kind of fun having this secret together! But it's also sooooo hard! A part of me just wants to shout it to the world. But I think we are going to hold onto it for a little while. We have our first ultrasound with the fertility clinic on Monday, March 18, which is still a week and a half away. It would be neat to just wait until after that- it might feel more real. I still find myself doubting it, worrying about it. 

We did have some fun reveal pictures taken on Sunday though. We were doing pictures of Hudson anyways, so we just added a fun family picture. Hudson is very much into sports right now, so we did some football, basketball and baseball pictures. For the reveal, I made a Home Plate that says "Li'l slugger coming home fall 2013!" and daddy and I wore Ogden Raptor Jerseys and Hudson held a baseball bat. Hoping we got some cute ones. Your big brother was being silly and a little ornery, so we will see. 

Love you,

~mommy

Everything looks great!

My hCG levels are excellent, meaning you are there, baby M, and growing strong! At 4 weeks, the hCG levels are expected to be 5-426 mIU/ml... you are reading at 806!! At 3 weeks, the hCG levels are expected to be 5-50, and your perfect brother was reading right at 50... which makes me think you are an overachiever just like him! Sure hope so, kiddo, 'cuz I have high expectations after Hudson. I know you will be your very own individual, with your very own personality and perfections, but, I sincerely hope you are as easy of a baby as Hudson has been. Wow, this is real!!!

YAY!!

I got my positive at-home test on Saturday! Actually, there was a very faint line, on a dollar-store test on Friday... I assumed it was just a cheap test. Saturday morning, I tried another dollar-store test and it was a little darker, but still very faint. Saturday afternoon, it was even darker. I showed daddy, and he saw it too, so we thought we were getting closer. The error-proof, not-so-cheap test verified it for us! You are on your way, baby Maserati! I will go to the fertility clinic today at lunchtime to get a blood test done, to check levels. They will probably check them again in a couple days to verify growth- they did with Hudson. I am so excited! And nervous!! I love you already, baby M, but is it even possible to love you like I do Hudson?!? Other moms of multiples say it is, so I am going to believe them and just imagine how much love I am truly capable of! This is going to be an amazing journey, darlin'. My calculations set you to be due on November 4, which means you will likely be here around Halloween! So exciting!! I told daddy we have to start brainstorming some awesome costume ideas, something where you can either be bump or baby! Thank you for choosing me, baby. I love you!

Just peed on another stick. Still nothing. I really felt like today was the day.

Knock, knock, is there anybody there?

It's premature, of course, but I think you are there baby. I was woken up at 3 am this morning, with a "full" feeling in my stomach- not "I-ate-too-much-Full" but something different. Like a "something's-there-Full." It was kind of an amazing feeling. Like I could already feel you. Like we were already communicating. If you are there, little one, I am so excited for our journey! I can only imagine the communicating we will do from here on out. I hope when you hear my heart, you know it's full of love for you. I love you!

~mommy

Let's go again!

I am pretty busy today, what with making a baby and whatnot... 

I had another IUI done today, and the nurse was really excited about our chances. She said that daddy's sample was excellent and my follicles look developed and ready. So let's do this! Wish us luck!!!

Well, baby Beck #2, today is cycle day #12 and I still don't have a smiley face on my ovulation sticks. Just a big old empty circle. See, I don't buy the cheapies, even though ya just pee on 'em, no, I want the smile, and then, when I am testing for pregnancy, I want the words. So, when I used my last stick yesterday, I had to go buy new ones. $60 for 30 sticks to pee on. I figure this next rounds got to work now, so I won't even need most of those. It's called irony. So, along with said irony, I figure I will probably get my smile tomorrow, Saturday, meaning that once again, we will probably have to travel to Sandy for the IUI, rather than going to our local Clearfield office, since we changed doctors this go-round for the "convenience." We are quickly learning that you do not believe in "convenience." Eh. I know you are worth it, so we'll keep going on your schedule. 'Cuz we love you, already. And always will.

love, mommy!

Cry for you

I am emotionally fragile whenever I think about fertility, pregnancy and babies. And you. And, though I am trying to be strong and positive, I am disappointed that you aren't growing. I miss you. I truly believed you would be there because I wanted it so badly and my body seemed to be participating. I cannot fathom why this IUI wouldn't take. It worked with Hudson.

Oh, sweet babe, please don't tell me that "what worked for Hudson" is not what works for you... While I want you to be different than your perfectly perfect brother, I want you to be just as perfect, just as easy, calm, carefree as he is. In your own unique way. We have been so very blessed to have gone through a healthy normal pregnancy, with, while early yes, a perfectly beautiful and happy delivery. Our hurdles with Hudson (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) were all in those first 11 days, while he finished developing in NICU. But from the moment we got him home, he has been perfect. He has always been a fair to good sleeper. He nursed beautifully, but also took bottles graciously. He used a pacifier very early, but not often, and never grew attached to it. He is a good eater. He is super social, loves people and isn't afraid to be passed around, but is also cautious with this and looks to me to see if it is ok. He cuddles, coos and is so very smart. He picked up on sign language quickly and knows many words. He is happy. Seriously, he is so very perfect for our little family. I am excited to see what makes you perfect for our family too. But, I do hope with all my heart that you share many of these traits.

I can blame my emotions on the hormones and just being a girl, but deep inside I know it is so much more. I fear this journey of fertility. If it worked before, but now it isn't, I feel as if I have failed. I have been on the verge of tears all week, often letting a few fall, because I want you and miss you each moment I don't have you. Every negative is a heartbreak. And then, I start to doubt myself. Perhaps it is a sign that I am not ready. Perhaps I cannot love you like I love Hudson. I do seriously doubt this often. I worry that my sweet boy will be pushed aside, when in all actuality, I want you for him. I want you two to have the relationship I have with Uncle AJ. I want you to feel that deep friendship that teaches you encouragement, pride and protectiveness. I want you to have a forever companion who will always be there for you. I want you to have that competitiveness that naturally comes from being a sibling. I want you to challenge yourself like only a sibling can. Plus, I know he will be an amazing brother, loving you with all he has. Almost as much as me and daddy.

And so, I will keep crying for you. Right now, it is because you are not growing because you are not ready- not because I am not ready. One day, (hopefully soon), it will be because I am excited to have you growing in me. Without a doubt, those same tears will be of fear. Then, I will cry the first time I hear your heartbeat, see you, hold you. I will cry so many tears for you. ALWAYS. But I will make up for them with the many kisses I cannot wait to give you.

I love you baby Maz

~mommy!

UPDATE: I am on day 2 of Femara, which I take 2 pills for 5 days on cycle days 3-7. I will start ovulation tests on day 10 and hopefully do another IUI. I am waiting to hear back on the bloodwork I had done yesterday.

TMI fertility stuff....

Well, after 3 weeks past IUI with no hint either way, I finally have my answer. You, Sweet Baby Maserati, have a timeline all your own. Today, on what would be cycle day 34, I finally started a spontaneous period, without the aid of Provera, which is waiting for pick-up at the pharmacy. I am so thankful that I do not need it, it takes at least 2 weeks off of the waiting. Now, I simply start again. On Wednesday, CD3, I will submit to a series of blood tests. Then, they will refill my Femara, we will wait for ovulation, try IUI again, and hopefully, you will be conceived. Last time, I got the positive ov kit on cycle day 12, if we stick around that timeline (and, why would we, huh baby M?), then I can hopefully expect a smile on February 8. It seems forever away, but, for you, it is worth it. 

Now, you must know how hard it is for me too keep this a secret from Grandma. But I want so badly for you to be a surprise! But I almost wonder if they know, somehow...? See, last week, Grandpa Perkins asked me, as I was picking Hudson up after work, "are you having another baby?" WHAT???! So, I try to laugh it off and ask "huh?? Why?" He explains that he wants to buy a high chair for Hudson, and is debating on a cheap one or buying a more expensive one that will last through another child. I joke, "Hm, well, do ya think I could talk to my husband about it? Or should we just toss a coin right now?" Anyways, I think I did pretty good getting out of the topic without suspicion. But then, just yesterday, we went to breakfast with Grandpa Beck and he asked "So, anything new? A pregnancy or something?" WHAT?!?! Daddy and I shake it off, "why we would we want that? Have you met Hudson?? Can you imagine two of that?!?" (Ohhh, I can!! And I do, often!!) 

All the grandparents want a baby girl to spoil. And, it would be silly for me to deny that I don't imagine that. But, in all actuality, I just want Hudson to be a brother. I want one more chance to be mommy because it is something I am good at and truly enjoy. I want you and Hudson to have a friendship like I have with Uncle AJ, something so deep and real. I want to give you all the love and experiences we've given Hudson. I want to see daddy swoon over a tiny baby once again. I want the infectuous love that comes with pregnancy and a baby. I want you, little one.  

Let's go again!!

~mommy

Keeping us guessing

Well, baby M, you are a trickster, keeping us guessing like this. Or, maybe, being the perfect individual you are, you just want you're own timeline, huh? You know, of course, that you had me on pins and needles this weekend with excitement, thinking that Martin Luther King weekend, being our lucky weekend afterall, we would learn that you were on your way. See, 10 years ago this weekend, daddy and I moved into our home. Two years ago, we found out we were pregnant with Hudson. But this weekend was a bust, dang it. I am still just waiting. And waiting. So, we will give you a few more days to let your presence known, and if not, we will just start again. 'Cuz we are ready for you, precious little one. It's silly, and presumptuous, but I think of you as my baby girl. Of course, there was a time when I was certain Hudson was a girl too. As Hudson is getting more and more vocal, he sounds more and more just like a little boy. I am certain baby girls are not capable of making the noises a boy can, from the range of comic book hysterics to the depth of animalistic growls often used when watching or playing sports. I am growing more and more curious about the tender coos of a baby girl, the lilting songs and joyous squeals. Of course, I am so entertained by those silly boy noises that I would not be the least bit disappointed to hear more of that either. I just know that, as noisy and crazy as my home and life is, there is a little somebody missing. We will hold that place for you, Maserati.

Much love,
~mommy

P.S. More in-my-head symptoms? Last night, after a failed dinner (chicken was over-cooked and over-seasoned), my second dinner just wasn't what I wanted, so I finally settled on a simple sunbutter sandwich. Again, could just be my head, my impatience with a first failed dinner, or the fact that I haven't had phony peanut butter in oh-so-long... or, could be that my appetite is off because I am eating for two? Oh, little one, please be on your way!!

Waiting sucks

I am waiting anxiously, not patiently, for the answer to the only question on my mind right now: "Are you there, baby Maserati?!" Not patiently at all. I knew it was too early, but I couldn't help myself and I have already tested twice, once on Friday and once on Sunday. Scientifically, the earliest I should get a positive is tomorrow, Tuesday, January 15. But that is soooo far away! 

My mind may very well be playing tricks on me, or I may be experiencing actual pregnancy symptoms. What I have noticed thusfar, (again, this could all be my imagination):

• fatigue- I had to stay home with Hudson on Friday 'cuz Grandpa was at the hospital so Grandma couldn't tend him. (Grandpa is ok and, though he doesn't know it, he is so excited to meet you!) Anyways, I had intended to go up to the hospital and visit, but I just couldn't. I was exhausted. Hudson and I lounged around in our jammies all day. I dozed in and out on the couch as Hudson played all around me. Now, it could have something to do with the fact that I was at the hospital all night 2 nights before, or that I had little motivation to go anywhere because of the foot of snow falling outside, or the bliss of an unexpected day off, or.... I could be pregnant. 
• appetite- My appetite has been off. Nothing too noticeable or crazy, but "off."
• smells- My nose, though it is completely phlegmed-up, seems sensitive to smells. I swear your brother smells like something between playdoh and chalk, with a fruity twist. I know, weird. 
• stomach- this is probably all in my head, but when my tummy rumbles for whatever reason, I envision you attaching yourself to my uterus. I let myself believe that I can truly feel you. I am so excited to have that feeling again!
• attitude- If I am not pregnant, (probably even if I am), I owe your daddy an apology. I've been kind of extra-ornery lately. Of course, he kind of owes me one too, 'cuz he's definitely not pregnant and he's been ornery too...
• shortness of breath- May very well be because of the change in weather, especially the extreme cold (it's 15* right now, midday!!) or, it could be because you are squishing my lungs all around, but my asthma has been terrible lately and I have had to use my nebulizer and inhaler frequently. 
• forgetfulness- And this may very well be because it's Monday, after a busy, stressful weekend, but I completely forgot the key ingredient to my French dip sandwich... the roast beef! I worked so hard packing the rolls and chips and making the au'jus this morning that I was quite disappointed when I went to fix my lunch and realized I didn't have the meat. Lordy. If I truly am pregnant with my Maserati baby, then it is fitting that it was a French dip...
• When I was pregnant with Hudson, we were out of town with Kyle and Alex and eating at a strange restaurant. Long story short, I wanted a French dip, but ordered a "hot" roast beef ('cuz pregnant ladies can't eat cold deli meats), and got a Hot Roast Beef. Which looks like poop on bread and totally disgusts and distresses pregnant ladies (or, at least this one) and I had a complete break down and will never hear the end of it from Kyle, Alex and daddy.

So, I do not know if you are there when I cradle my tummy. I do not know if you hear me asking Hudson about wanting a baby brother or sister. I do not know if you will be joining our little family in 9 short months. But what I do know is that I can hope. I can pray. And I can keep on trying until you are. 

I love you, Maserati

 love, mommy