Cry for you

I am emotionally fragile whenever I think about fertility, pregnancy and babies. And you. And, though I am trying to be strong and positive, I am disappointed that you aren't growing. I miss you. I truly believed you would be there because I wanted it so badly and my body seemed to be participating. I cannot fathom why this IUI wouldn't take. It worked with Hudson.

Oh, sweet babe, please don't tell me that "what worked for Hudson" is not what works for you... While I want you to be different than your perfectly perfect brother, I want you to be just as perfect, just as easy, calm, carefree as he is. In your own unique way. We have been so very blessed to have gone through a healthy normal pregnancy, with, while early yes, a perfectly beautiful and happy delivery. Our hurdles with Hudson (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) were all in those first 11 days, while he finished developing in NICU. But from the moment we got him home, he has been perfect. He has always been a fair to good sleeper. He nursed beautifully, but also took bottles graciously. He used a pacifier very early, but not often, and never grew attached to it. He is a good eater. He is super social, loves people and isn't afraid to be passed around, but is also cautious with this and looks to me to see if it is ok. He cuddles, coos and is so very smart. He picked up on sign language quickly and knows many words. He is happy. Seriously, he is so very perfect for our little family. I am excited to see what makes you perfect for our family too. But, I do hope with all my heart that you share many of these traits.

I can blame my emotions on the hormones and just being a girl, but deep inside I know it is so much more. I fear this journey of fertility. If it worked before, but now it isn't, I feel as if I have failed. I have been on the verge of tears all week, often letting a few fall, because I want you and miss you each moment I don't have you. Every negative is a heartbreak. And then, I start to doubt myself. Perhaps it is a sign that I am not ready. Perhaps I cannot love you like I love Hudson. I do seriously doubt this often. I worry that my sweet boy will be pushed aside, when in all actuality, I want you for him. I want you two to have the relationship I have with Uncle AJ. I want you to feel that deep friendship that teaches you encouragement, pride and protectiveness. I want you to have a forever companion who will always be there for you. I want you to have that competitiveness that naturally comes from being a sibling. I want you to challenge yourself like only a sibling can. Plus, I know he will be an amazing brother, loving you with all he has. Almost as much as me and daddy.

And so, I will keep crying for you. Right now, it is because you are not growing because you are not ready- not because I am not ready. One day, (hopefully soon), it will be because I am excited to have you growing in me. Without a doubt, those same tears will be of fear. Then, I will cry the first time I hear your heartbeat, see you, hold you. I will cry so many tears for you. ALWAYS. But I will make up for them with the many kisses I cannot wait to give you.

I love you baby Maz

~mommy!

UPDATE: I am on day 2 of Femara, which I take 2 pills for 5 days on cycle days 3-7. I will start ovulation tests on day 10 and hopefully do another IUI. I am waiting to hear back on the bloodwork I had done yesterday.