I get to see you tomorrow!! More importantly, I get to hear your wonderful little heartbeat! I must have forgotten how scary this first trimester is, especially after knowing what it's like to feel baby movements in the later half. I want to feel you so badly. I hate not knowing for certain that you're little heart is beating, little legs are kicking.
I love when daddy cuddles me and softly kisses my belly and talks to you. We are teaching Hudson to say "baby" and point to my belly. He's really good at saying "baby", but he usually points to himself. A couple weeks ago though, he pointed to Grandma's tummy. And this week, when daddy was watching TV, he went right up to him, pointed to his belly and said loudly "baby!" Oy, somedays I wish daddy could carry you.
You are already so different than your brother. I hate to say it, kiddo, but you are already a pain in the ass, literally. My lower back gets these nasty aches. Daddy laughs at me 'cuz I walk around with a warm water pack wrapped in my waistband. I'm pretty much over the nausea, but food is still weird- I'm always hungry, but nothing really sounds good.
I am at the weird stage where I am not yet fitting into maternity clothes, but am out of my regular clothes. I wear the maternity clothes because they are more comfy, but I can't wait for my bump to truly harden so the empire waists fit flatteringly. I also can't wait for my firm pregnancy boobs. Honestly, I am just feeling BLAH in the looks department, which is hard for me because I am also feeling friskier than normal, but not sexy. I want to own my pregnancy body. I want to lavish the curves and pure femininity that can only come with creating life.
It truly is a magical experience, and because this is (almost certainly) my last time to experience it, I want it to start NOW. It's sad to think about you being my last. I truly want to remember and capture and love every moment. I want others to enjoy it with me, but it's harder because, to them, it's not "special" because I've done it before. They don't understand that the last time is just as special, if not more so, than the first time. I feel more alone in this pregnancy, other than your daddy, of course. I don't have girlfriends to talk to. Non-mommas don't understand, and seemingly have no interest, and mommas are so busy with their own little ones or get so caught up in the nostalgia of their own past pregnancies that it's hard to talk to them. I am very emotional, but pretty good at hiding it. Almost daily, I am brought nearly to tears, whether from a song, a commercial or my own thoughts and worries.There is definitely a good cry just waiting to be had, which is actually not a bad thing- my life is changing, feelings, even overwhelming ones, are to be expected. I am postponing my career once again, creating fears that it will never happen for me. I am starting a new degree program, just to keep busy and take advantage of the opportunities I have. I have lost friends, gained new ones. I am going from dedicating my whole life to your brother to having to share that with you. Your daddy and I's relationship is always changing and growing. It's a lot of change, most of it for the better, and all of it worth it.
Anyways, I really didn't expect to write this much, I guess the loneliness I am feeling is coming out a little more than I intended, as I spill it out all here in writing. What this post was supposed to say was simply that I cannot wait to see you tomorrow and have confirmation that you are growing and perfect. Because I know that you are. I love you little Maserati!!
~mommy
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