13 weeks

Well little one, at 13 weeks, we have almost made it through the first trimester. At 13 weeks, you are 100% a beautiful little individual, fingerprints and all. If you are a baby girl, (and I think you are) you already have all of your eggs. At 13 weeks, this momma is feeling pretty good - physically.

But my emotions are kind of wild. I am freaking out about money, luckily, your sweet daddy is calming down about it. He's a good guy, that daddy of yours. He's afraid of having a baby girl, but I just know he would be the best daughter-daddy. And while we really don't favor one or the other, I truly do think you are a girl. It would explain a lot about how different I feel with this pregnancy. The couple of weeks of terrible "blah-ness" and nausea, and the fact that I am already almost 20 pounds over what I was pre-Hudson. (I don't know exactly where I was between Hudson and you, at least 10-15 lbs less than I am now...) I hate getting dressed in the morning because I am too fat for my regular clothes, but not fat enough for the maternity stuff I have. And I don't feel beautiful. Honestly, I remember feeling gorgeous everyday with Hudson, "glowy." It was the feeling most pregnant ladies envy and feel jealous of- enjoying my new curves, feeling feminine and amazing. I think you are a girl- we girls always worry about what we look like, and you are sure making me feel fat and sloppy. Guess we'll have to work on that together, huh? 'Cuz baby girl or baby boy, I never want you to beat yourself up over how you look and/or feel about how you look. You are beautiful- PERFECT. And I am too. I am a pinup mama. I need a good day of pampering and pretty-ness to remind myself of this I think. Sometimes we just need to do these things for ourselves. Remember that, k?

Anyways, I love you, my perfectly beautiful and unique baby Maserati,
love, Mommy!

Guess what?

You are perfect. I know... you're not surprised. Neither am I, just reassured. I don't know why I had any doubt. I've learned my lesson though- I will never doubt your pure perfectness ever again. After all, you are mine & daddy's- how could you be anything less than perfect?! You are measuring right where you should be at 12 weeks. You're little heart beat is strong and beautiful and still the most amazing sound for this momma's ears.

Look how cute you are!

You're silly grandma and grandpa Perkins say you look like a little toddler curled up in a car seat. They also say you have a cute little Beatle's hair cut. I can kind of see what they are talking about. We all know that you are beautiful and we are so excited to meet you this fall!!

I love you baby Maserati!!!

~mommy!

12 weeks and Tomorrow!

I get to see you tomorrow!! More importantly, I get to hear your wonderful little heartbeat! I must have forgotten how scary this first trimester is, especially after knowing what it's like to feel baby movements in the later half. I want to feel you so badly. I hate not knowing for certain that you're little heart is beating, little legs are kicking.

I love when daddy cuddles me and softly kisses my belly and talks to you. We are teaching Hudson to say "baby" and point to my belly. He's really good at saying "baby", but he usually points to himself. A couple weeks ago though, he pointed to Grandma's tummy. And this week, when daddy was watching TV, he went right up to him, pointed to his belly and said loudly "baby!" Oy, somedays I wish daddy could carry you.

You are already so different than your brother. I hate to say it, kiddo, but you are already a pain in the ass, literally. My lower back gets these nasty aches. Daddy laughs at me 'cuz I walk around with a warm water pack wrapped in my waistband. I'm pretty much over the nausea, but food is still weird- I'm always hungry, but nothing really sounds good.

I am at the weird stage where I am not yet fitting into maternity clothes, but am out of my regular clothes. I wear the maternity clothes because they are more comfy, but I can't wait for my bump to truly harden so the empire waists fit flatteringly. I also can't wait for my firm pregnancy boobs. Honestly, I am just feeling BLAH in the looks department, which is hard for me because I am also feeling friskier than normal, but not sexy. I want to own my pregnancy body. I want to lavish the curves and pure femininity that can only come with creating life.

It truly is a magical experience, and because this is (almost certainly) my last time to experience it, I want it to start NOW. It's sad to think about you being my last. I truly want to remember and capture and love every moment. I want others to enjoy it with me, but it's harder because, to them, it's not "special" because I've done it before. They don't understand that the last time is just as special, if not more so, than the first time. I feel more alone in this pregnancy, other than your daddy, of course. I don't have girlfriends to talk to. Non-mommas don't understand, and seemingly have no interest, and mommas are so busy with their own little ones or get so caught up in the nostalgia of their own past pregnancies that it's hard to talk to them. I am very emotional, but pretty good at hiding it. Almost daily, I am brought nearly to tears, whether from a song, a commercial or my own thoughts and worries.There is definitely a good cry just waiting to be had, which is actually not a bad thing- my life is changing, feelings, even overwhelming ones, are to be expected. I am postponing my career once again, creating fears that it will never happen for me. I am starting a new degree program, just to keep busy and take advantage of the opportunities I have. I have lost friends, gained new ones. I am going from dedicating my whole life to your brother to having to share that with you. Your daddy and I's relationship is always changing and growing. It's a lot of change, most of it for the better, and all of it worth it.

Anyways, I really didn't expect to write this much, I guess the loneliness I am feeling is coming out a little more than I intended, as I spill it out all here in writing. What this post was supposed to say was simply that I cannot wait to see you tomorrow and have confirmation that you are growing and perfect. Because I know that you are. I love you little Maserati!!

~mommy

Burger Baby

Your brother was my pizza baby, and you, little one, are my burger baby. It's not necessarily a craving, but when nothing else sounds good, a hamburger will do it. And lemonade is my pregnancy drink.

Another Craving

What I want:

Spaghetti. Nothin' fancy, just spaghetti.

What I got:

Noodles & Co. Penne Rosa with parmesan chicken. It worked.

Shocking!

At just 9 weeks in-utero, you, little one, are so full of energy that you are shocking your momma! Literally. I didn't have these electric shocks with Hudson at all, but twice now, when laying down and making a sudden movement, my stomach, upper left area, has given me a jolt. It seriously feels like wattage surging that one spot. It's quick, but it is incredibly uncomfortable and scary. The first time, I literally screamed, scaring your daddy. I then lay there, waiting for the worst. Which, in my mind is awful and vivid. I imagine instead of the warm sensation of my water breaking, the warm sensation of blood gushing out of me, indicating a miscarriage. It was terrifying. When I looked it up online though, these shocks are completely normal. They are the ligaments of my stomach stretching to make room for you to grow. They are called round ligament pains.

I don't know why, but I am seriously terrified something is going to go wrong this go-round. I am afraid of connecting with you like I did Hudson, because I fear never meeting you. I suppose I had the same worries with Hudson, I suppose all mommy's do, but it is haunting me right now. Especially when you do weird things like these scary shocks!

This pregnancy is so different than my first. It makes me both excited and scared. If you are this different all ready, how different will you be in life? Are you the exact opposite of my perfect boy?? Are you a little girl? Are you a shy, timid little thing? Will you be cautious and reserved? Or, perhaps, naughty and hard to redirect?? Are you unhealthy? Will you be my non-sleeper, picky-eater who leaves me doubting my abilities??  Or are you simply stronger already? Growing so much, so soon, so you can quickly catch up to your big brother? Oh, how I hope the latter is true. Grow strong, little one. Grow into your own individual, but grow strong and healthy. I love you,

Love, Mommy!

9 weeks

The morning sickness seems to be gone, probably because of my daily B6 vitamin. Headaches aren't as common either, thank goodness. Really, I don't seem to have any real symptoms any more, except fatigue.

I am happy. Daddy is happy. We are both frisky. And we are both scared out of our minds! Your cute brother is saying "baby" more often now, and pointing to either himself or anyone else's belly... still hasn't caught on that it's just my belly. He has been especially cuddly lately, which I love, but it also concerns me 'cuz sometimes his "cuddles" are more like climbs and kicks all over playgym mommy. Sorry if you are already getting beaten by your bubba... guess you gotta toughen up eventually, huh?

I try to take a few minutes every day just to embrace you and let you know you are loved. I love my growing belly (even if it's sooner than I expected) and love when your daddy comes up and embraces you too. I hope you feel us, little one.

love, mommy!