Cry for you

I am emotionally fragile whenever I think about fertility, pregnancy and babies. And you. And, though I am trying to be strong and positive, I am disappointed that you aren't growing. I miss you. I truly believed you would be there because I wanted it so badly and my body seemed to be participating. I cannot fathom why this IUI wouldn't take. It worked with Hudson.

Oh, sweet babe, please don't tell me that "what worked for Hudson" is not what works for you... While I want you to be different than your perfectly perfect brother, I want you to be just as perfect, just as easy, calm, carefree as he is. In your own unique way. We have been so very blessed to have gone through a healthy normal pregnancy, with, while early yes, a perfectly beautiful and happy delivery. Our hurdles with Hudson (KNOCK ON WOOD!!) were all in those first 11 days, while he finished developing in NICU. But from the moment we got him home, he has been perfect. He has always been a fair to good sleeper. He nursed beautifully, but also took bottles graciously. He used a pacifier very early, but not often, and never grew attached to it. He is a good eater. He is super social, loves people and isn't afraid to be passed around, but is also cautious with this and looks to me to see if it is ok. He cuddles, coos and is so very smart. He picked up on sign language quickly and knows many words. He is happy. Seriously, he is so very perfect for our little family. I am excited to see what makes you perfect for our family too. But, I do hope with all my heart that you share many of these traits.

I can blame my emotions on the hormones and just being a girl, but deep inside I know it is so much more. I fear this journey of fertility. If it worked before, but now it isn't, I feel as if I have failed. I have been on the verge of tears all week, often letting a few fall, because I want you and miss you each moment I don't have you. Every negative is a heartbreak. And then, I start to doubt myself. Perhaps it is a sign that I am not ready. Perhaps I cannot love you like I love Hudson. I do seriously doubt this often. I worry that my sweet boy will be pushed aside, when in all actuality, I want you for him. I want you two to have the relationship I have with Uncle AJ. I want you to feel that deep friendship that teaches you encouragement, pride and protectiveness. I want you to have a forever companion who will always be there for you. I want you to have that competitiveness that naturally comes from being a sibling. I want you to challenge yourself like only a sibling can. Plus, I know he will be an amazing brother, loving you with all he has. Almost as much as me and daddy.

And so, I will keep crying for you. Right now, it is because you are not growing because you are not ready- not because I am not ready. One day, (hopefully soon), it will be because I am excited to have you growing in me. Without a doubt, those same tears will be of fear. Then, I will cry the first time I hear your heartbeat, see you, hold you. I will cry so many tears for you. ALWAYS. But I will make up for them with the many kisses I cannot wait to give you.

I love you baby Maz

~mommy!

UPDATE: I am on day 2 of Femara, which I take 2 pills for 5 days on cycle days 3-7. I will start ovulation tests on day 10 and hopefully do another IUI. I am waiting to hear back on the bloodwork I had done yesterday.

TMI fertility stuff....

Well, after 3 weeks past IUI with no hint either way, I finally have my answer. You, Sweet Baby Maserati, have a timeline all your own. Today, on what would be cycle day 34, I finally started a spontaneous period, without the aid of Provera, which is waiting for pick-up at the pharmacy. I am so thankful that I do not need it, it takes at least 2 weeks off of the waiting. Now, I simply start again. On Wednesday, CD3, I will submit to a series of blood tests. Then, they will refill my Femara, we will wait for ovulation, try IUI again, and hopefully, you will be conceived. Last time, I got the positive ov kit on cycle day 12, if we stick around that timeline (and, why would we, huh baby M?), then I can hopefully expect a smile on February 8. It seems forever away, but, for you, it is worth it. 

Now, you must know how hard it is for me too keep this a secret from Grandma. But I want so badly for you to be a surprise! But I almost wonder if they know, somehow...? See, last week, Grandpa Perkins asked me, as I was picking Hudson up after work, "are you having another baby?" WHAT???! So, I try to laugh it off and ask "huh?? Why?" He explains that he wants to buy a high chair for Hudson, and is debating on a cheap one or buying a more expensive one that will last through another child. I joke, "Hm, well, do ya think I could talk to my husband about it? Or should we just toss a coin right now?" Anyways, I think I did pretty good getting out of the topic without suspicion. But then, just yesterday, we went to breakfast with Grandpa Beck and he asked "So, anything new? A pregnancy or something?" WHAT?!?! Daddy and I shake it off, "why we would we want that? Have you met Hudson?? Can you imagine two of that?!?" (Ohhh, I can!! And I do, often!!) 

All the grandparents want a baby girl to spoil. And, it would be silly for me to deny that I don't imagine that. But, in all actuality, I just want Hudson to be a brother. I want one more chance to be mommy because it is something I am good at and truly enjoy. I want you and Hudson to have a friendship like I have with Uncle AJ, something so deep and real. I want to give you all the love and experiences we've given Hudson. I want to see daddy swoon over a tiny baby once again. I want the infectuous love that comes with pregnancy and a baby. I want you, little one.  

Let's go again!!

~mommy

Keeping us guessing

Well, baby M, you are a trickster, keeping us guessing like this. Or, maybe, being the perfect individual you are, you just want you're own timeline, huh? You know, of course, that you had me on pins and needles this weekend with excitement, thinking that Martin Luther King weekend, being our lucky weekend afterall, we would learn that you were on your way. See, 10 years ago this weekend, daddy and I moved into our home. Two years ago, we found out we were pregnant with Hudson. But this weekend was a bust, dang it. I am still just waiting. And waiting. So, we will give you a few more days to let your presence known, and if not, we will just start again. 'Cuz we are ready for you, precious little one. It's silly, and presumptuous, but I think of you as my baby girl. Of course, there was a time when I was certain Hudson was a girl too. As Hudson is getting more and more vocal, he sounds more and more just like a little boy. I am certain baby girls are not capable of making the noises a boy can, from the range of comic book hysterics to the depth of animalistic growls often used when watching or playing sports. I am growing more and more curious about the tender coos of a baby girl, the lilting songs and joyous squeals. Of course, I am so entertained by those silly boy noises that I would not be the least bit disappointed to hear more of that either. I just know that, as noisy and crazy as my home and life is, there is a little somebody missing. We will hold that place for you, Maserati.

Much love,
~mommy

P.S. More in-my-head symptoms? Last night, after a failed dinner (chicken was over-cooked and over-seasoned), my second dinner just wasn't what I wanted, so I finally settled on a simple sunbutter sandwich. Again, could just be my head, my impatience with a first failed dinner, or the fact that I haven't had phony peanut butter in oh-so-long... or, could be that my appetite is off because I am eating for two? Oh, little one, please be on your way!!

Waiting sucks

I am waiting anxiously, not patiently, for the answer to the only question on my mind right now: "Are you there, baby Maserati?!" Not patiently at all. I knew it was too early, but I couldn't help myself and I have already tested twice, once on Friday and once on Sunday. Scientifically, the earliest I should get a positive is tomorrow, Tuesday, January 15. But that is soooo far away! 

My mind may very well be playing tricks on me, or I may be experiencing actual pregnancy symptoms. What I have noticed thusfar, (again, this could all be my imagination):

• fatigue- I had to stay home with Hudson on Friday 'cuz Grandpa was at the hospital so Grandma couldn't tend him. (Grandpa is ok and, though he doesn't know it, he is so excited to meet you!) Anyways, I had intended to go up to the hospital and visit, but I just couldn't. I was exhausted. Hudson and I lounged around in our jammies all day. I dozed in and out on the couch as Hudson played all around me. Now, it could have something to do with the fact that I was at the hospital all night 2 nights before, or that I had little motivation to go anywhere because of the foot of snow falling outside, or the bliss of an unexpected day off, or.... I could be pregnant. 
• appetite- My appetite has been off. Nothing too noticeable or crazy, but "off."
• smells- My nose, though it is completely phlegmed-up, seems sensitive to smells. I swear your brother smells like something between playdoh and chalk, with a fruity twist. I know, weird. 
• stomach- this is probably all in my head, but when my tummy rumbles for whatever reason, I envision you attaching yourself to my uterus. I let myself believe that I can truly feel you. I am so excited to have that feeling again!
• attitude- If I am not pregnant, (probably even if I am), I owe your daddy an apology. I've been kind of extra-ornery lately. Of course, he kind of owes me one too, 'cuz he's definitely not pregnant and he's been ornery too...
• shortness of breath- May very well be because of the change in weather, especially the extreme cold (it's 15* right now, midday!!) or, it could be because you are squishing my lungs all around, but my asthma has been terrible lately and I have had to use my nebulizer and inhaler frequently. 
• forgetfulness- And this may very well be because it's Monday, after a busy, stressful weekend, but I completely forgot the key ingredient to my French dip sandwich... the roast beef! I worked so hard packing the rolls and chips and making the au'jus this morning that I was quite disappointed when I went to fix my lunch and realized I didn't have the meat. Lordy. If I truly am pregnant with my Maserati baby, then it is fitting that it was a French dip...
• When I was pregnant with Hudson, we were out of town with Kyle and Alex and eating at a strange restaurant. Long story short, I wanted a French dip, but ordered a "hot" roast beef ('cuz pregnant ladies can't eat cold deli meats), and got a Hot Roast Beef. Which looks like poop on bread and totally disgusts and distresses pregnant ladies (or, at least this one) and I had a complete break down and will never hear the end of it from Kyle, Alex and daddy.

So, I do not know if you are there when I cradle my tummy. I do not know if you hear me asking Hudson about wanting a baby brother or sister. I do not know if you will be joining our little family in 9 short months. But what I do know is that I can hope. I can pray. And I can keep on trying until you are. 

I love you, Maserati

 love, mommy

soooo tired!

I hate to psych myself out, little one, but I have been sooo tired the last couple of days. I went to bed at 9pm both last night and the night before and I just awoke from a little rest at work. I had kind of forgotten how tired you get when you are pregnant *yawn* but it's quickly coming back to me. Perhaps I am tired just 'cuz... perhaps not. Only time will tell...

other symptoms I am either imagining or truly feeling: headaches the last 2 nights, before my 9:00 bedtime, and today, weird tummy/back cramps.

Will you or won't you

Well, baby M, we've done our part, now it's up to you! On Sunday, January 6, 2013, I had an IUI procedure, implanting daddy's sperm into my uterus. Now, we just wait to see if that created a viable pregnancy.

WOW. Now that we are here, at this point, I am scared to death. Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Overwhelmed. Woah. Honestly, kiddo, I don't know how I am feeling! I want you... am I ready for you? Can I truly love you like I love Hudson???

Truth is... I already do. But I worry about the balance. Can I give you the attention you deserve, the attention Hudson had, and still give him the attention he deserves and is used to??