Did you drop??

Yesterday morning at work, you were doing your usual dance routine high up in my belly, right under my boobs. But that afternoon, when I got up to go pee yet again, I felt a relief, like you weren't scrunched up like you always have been. You felt lower. I looked at my stomach and it seemed lower, more out in front of me. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe you just moved positions, but it seems like you have moved completely out of my chest and rib area. It feels like I can breath, and eat, again comfortably. But it worries me. Some things say that labor comes soon after the drop, some things say that it can be weeks yet. Today, I am feeling what might be contractions, but nothing too bad or too close together. Just a hardening of the tummy. Maybe it's just you wiggling and I am exaggerating. I just don't know. I am probably just paranoid because we are coming up on 34 weeks and 6 days, your brother's magic day. I am terrified that you are going to do the same. And yet I am so eager to meet you, and I know that you are strong. But I want you to be stronger. Healthier. Bigger. Please, baby girl, cook a little longer. I don't want to do NICU with you. I don't want to be apart from your brother that long. I want him to be able to see you and meet you. I want you to be perfect and healthy. Please baby girl, please.

mommy and daughter!

I am getting soooo excited to give birth to what will one day be my best friend! Obviously, until that day, we will have our moments where you will dislike me, disagree with me and maybe even (hopefully not!) hate me. Until that day, you will push your limits, try my temper and do what every girl does. But when that day comes, you will be amazed at how right I have always been. Because I always had your best interest at heart. I always wanted the best for you, and always always will. I will not be able to give you everything you want, but I will always give you everything you need. I will always be everything you need me to be for you. And you might hate me for it. But it's what a mommy does, and one day you will love and appreciate me for it. The same goes for your brother, but it's just different for a mommy and a daughter, and it is something I am excited that I get to experience.
Your grandma and I have always had a good relationship, and I hope so very much to have the same with you. But I will sacrifice a good relationship for your safety and security. If I have to be mean mom in order to keep you alive and well, I will do it without regret. Luckily, your grandma never did. We talked openly and honest about things. She trusted me, and I treasured that trust. Her punishments were fair and justly applied. I learned a lot from her, and I hope to teach you those same lessons. I hope to be even half the mommy my mommy was to be, and to teach you how to be twice as good as that, should you decide to one day be a mommy too. Grandma had a rocky relationship with her mom, and she vowed to always do better for her kids. And she did. Your Uncle AJ and I always took priority for her, we always knew we were loved and cared for. We never went without, and never needed more than we were given. We had experiences as well as materials that made a childhood worth remembering. She was a parent first, but always a friend as well. And now that I am grown, I appreciate everything she did for me, and still does for me and us. She truly is my best friend. I have a hard time going a day without talking to her and miss her when she's gone. Oh, Bentley, I want this for us. I want you to be my baby girl and my best friend. I want you to trust me, and want you to let me trust you. I want us to enjoy each other. I want to be pretty mommy, with my pretty daughter.

I love you, sweet girl. And even though I am excited to meet you, and even though I am getting things prepared, I want you to take your sweet time and come only when you are strong and healthy. I am still dreaming of my ideal birth and want it so badly.

Lots of love, precious girl, love, mommy!

32 weeks!

Well, precious girl, you are still perfect as ever. You even gave us a tiny peek at your perfect face! You are weighing about 3 1/2 lbs (while I am weighing 202... doesn't seem very fair!!) and measuring right about where you should be. I passed my glucose test last time and my blood pressure looks good. I have a few more weeks of progesterone shots, and then just a few more weeks til you are here in my arms! It amazes me how quickly time has gone! When we make it past September 30, you will have proven yourself more patient than Hudson. When we make it past October 14, you will have gone to term. So let's do it. October 14 is right around the corner anyways, and I am not in any true hurry- my excitement can last as long as you can!  I have to admit, though, that I am scared. Not that you will come too early- I truly believe you can hang in there (I believe it until my 2am potty runs, then I fear to high hell!) but that when it does happen, maybe I won't know! What if my water doesn't break?? Doctor said it probably wouldn't. What if I don't feel contractions until I am dialated to a 5 or 6 again?? Or, worse, what if I start feeling pain and contractions when I am merely at a 1? What if you really do take your sweet time?? Maybe you are a 42-weeker??!?? Maybe you are a 24-hour kinda gal?! Oh, baby girl, it really is scary. I've been through it before. I know I can do it again. And I know that once the epidural is in, all is well. But WHAT IF?!? Oh, well, can't think about that. Just gonna keep telling myself that you are coming at 38 weeks and it will be perfect. Yup. Just like you.

I love you darling girl!!!!