Little reminders that I am not alone

"I am not Alone"

Running errands and talking on the phone,
I am pleasantly reminded that I am not alone.
Little tiny hands, a precious rounded knee
pushing and twisting that no one can see.
Oh sweet child kicking up your heels,
it is our little secret that only I can feel.
I look forward to your birth,
when I can kiss your skin,
but for now I will just smile,
As I feel you play within.
Author: Unknown

More and more now I am feeling your little wiggles, and loving every minute of it! Daddy and I had a date night the other day to see an old friend perform in a local play. I had a great time and was high on love for that daddy of yours. There was music and dancing and lots of laughter. I was feeling nostalgic. I don't know what you liked best about the night, but I could feel you dancing right along inside me. It was amazing. I can't wait til daddy can feel these wiggles, I love when we would snuggle and he would just embrace my belly with Hudson.

There are other, not so pleasant reminders that I am not alone though too. I still feel yucky somedays, just moments of a nasty taste in my mouth or queasiness in my belly. I will start to eat my lunch or dinner and suddenly realize that it's not what I wanted- or rather, what you want. You do not like meat much. Poultry is ok, and you crave grilled hamburgers but other beef or pork just sounds chewy and disgusting. You like veggies like salads, carrots and asparagus. You also like cookies... well, I'm blaming you anyways. I get that yucky feeling in my mouth when doing nasty chores like washing old dishes or cleaning out the fridge at work. We haven't had any other overwhelming smells, thank goodness, but that may just be because it's allergy season.

Last week, my back started hurting and it really hasn't stopped since. It fades away for awhile, but if I get up quick or without thinking about it, it aches.

At about the same time as my back pain, I started the official pregnant waddle. I don't exactly know why, maybe it distributes my weight differently or something, but I've just noticed that it's not a regular walk. Daddy's noticed too and is teasing me.

I am noticing that it is getting harder for me to rest on my belly at bedtime and know that my days are limited. Ugh. I remember all too well how hard this was. Side-sleeping is fine, except that an arm or hand always falls asleep and tingles, and sometimes I feel like I am going to tip right over. Back-sleeping is just tough. But it's all worth it. That is something else I know all too well.

Ultrasounds 15 and 19 weeks

15 weeks- It's a .....Girl, probably?

15 weeks- a bashful girl, maybe?

19 weeks- It's a... Girl, still, maybe? No pointy-outies, anyways...

19 weeks- still a bit bashful, needs her beauty rest!

Thursday!! And the "normal birthing experience"

Our next doctor's appt is Thursday, and I am sooo excited!! I am pretty sure it is our big 3D appt, plus, depending entirely on your positioning, little one, they should be able to confirm your sex! We all know you're a girl, and, based on the one really good ultrasound pic, we think you have lots of dark hair and a beautiful face, but it would be nice to have the doctor's confirmation. I haven't been able to convince myself to start dreaming of a daughter or to start buying precious little outfits. Yet. Well, except for one cute little 3-piece patriotic set that I bought this weekend at the swap meet- a dress, diaper cover and hat. But there are always tons and tons and tons of baby girl stuff at yard sales and swap meets and I just can't commit to buying stuff yet. But give me the word, doc, and I will stock up on all kinds of goodies!! But not pink. Ugh. Daddy and I aren't ready to pinkify ourselves. I love red and black. I love yellow, teal and greens. But pink and purple is a bit much. I want you to be darling, but not look like a doll. I am sure I will be suckered into the pretty bows, but I have to vow right now that they will not be bigger than your head.

Oh, my goodness, it's so fun to think about though! My precious little girl, all dolled up! I have been thinking of our first family pictures. With Hudson, we did gray-red-black outfits, and I think I want to do the same with you. I've also started worrying about pictures- everyone says you never take as many pictures of your subsequent kids, but totally overload on baby #1. With Hudson, we went to Sears every month. But they are closed now, and I don't want to search studios and individual photographers are expensive. But we will figure something out, dangit. Absolutely. You are just as important to us as Hudson is, you're firsts are just as exciting, and we will document your life just like we have his.

Another thing I just thought about today is a normal birthing experience. You are my last chance at that ideal birth, where baby comes out and is gently placed on momma's chest and bonding begins. To hold you right after you leave my body is a dream of mine. To be able to cuddle you and offer you breast milk within minutes of your first breath. Wow. To be one of the firsts to actually see you, hold you, feel you. To sit in my hospital bed with you and daddy and Hudson right there with me. To wake up to your newborn cries rather than the ringing of the hospital phone. To take you home just days after your birth. The normal birthing experience, oh how I want that!!

While we were in NICU with Hudson, daddy and I watched one couple come in every day to tend to their very premature baby. He was so tiny, and had obviously been there for so long. He was connected to every machine possible and we would hear scary beeps from his monitors all day long. One day, I got to talk to the mom of this baby and learned that he shared a due date with Hudson- September 24- but had been born June 21. I felt an instant connection with them. On our last day at the hospital, I ran a final errand to pick up a small gift for this couple- a tiny pair of socks because all I could envision were the tiny footprints posted in little Alston's NICU corner. I left it with the NICU nurses, along with a card wishing them the best of luck. That mom, Kim, found me on Facebook that night and sent a sweet thank you and congratulations note. We have been FB buddies since. She is pregnant now too, just 22 weeks, due October 12. But she is in the hospital now, on permanent strict bedrest because she is leaking fluid and having various complications. Oh, sweet baby of mine, I cry for this family because I cannot imagine their pain and worry.

All I want is a normal birthing experience. And I feel like I have a good chance at that. We are doing the progesterone shots and everything we can to keep you bundled up in there for 37 weeks. I fully expect you to be here by Halloween, but even that is 39 weeks. But I feel confident that you will be perfect and healthy. I think, and hope and pray, that you will be hungry and take quickly to breastfeeding. I don't know why, but I truly am confident that you will not have the troubles your brother did. Oh, how I pray my feelings are right.

Stay strong baby Bentley. Grow. Develop. And know that you are loved.

love, mommy!